What You Really Need to Know About an Enneagram Nine

Do you have an Enneagram Nine in your life? Or do you lead as an Enneagram Nine? 

If so, you need to know some important insights about this personality style. 

Enneagram Nines are often labeled as “peacemakers” and while this is one of their character traits, there is so much more beneath the surface. 

Bethany Dequine is also pregnant as we release this episode with baby #3! Though unlike Joanna our Enenagram Eight she’s not ready to give birth any day. She has 2 beautiful little girls and is happily married to an Enneagram Three. And if you are a local Kansas City friend, you might want to check out their Physical Therapy Practice in Shawnee Mission, Freedom Physical Therapy and Training Center. 

Bethany is going to share her Typing (or as is the case mistyping journey), her biggest struggle in motherhood and the soul care rhythm that helps her feel like she is winning in life. 

We also end up diving deep into the struggle for an Nine when it comes to discipline and training her kiddos. As well as her daily schedule- It was incredibly insightful, you won’t want to miss this part of the conversation. 

Snag your free copy of The Enneagram For Moms Ebook.

What the full picture of determining your communication style?
Learn more about the Your Enneagram Type Roadmap here.
Or Schedule your 15-minute discovery call. 

Say hi on Instagram @simplywholehearted

Use the coupon code; Amy for 10% your order at The Enneagram Candles Shop. 

The Enneagram can name your patterns. It can't set you free from them. That's the difference between insight and transformation, and it's the whole focus of this summit.

Learn more, check out the speakers & get your free seat!

https://www.simplywholehearted.com/wholehearted-2026

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SPEAKER_00 1:39

Do you have an Enneagram 9 in your life? Or do you lead as an Enneagram 9? If so, you need to know some important insights about this personality style. Enneagram nines are often labeled as peacemakers. And while this is one of their character traits, there is so much more beneath the surface. That's why this whole month I'm sharing stories from each Enneagram type and their perspective on motherhood, spiritual growth, and what is really going on inside their beautiful minds. I've invited my personal friends, the ones who've sat in my living room week in and week out. Of course, not during the quarantine months, but they're the ones who have gone through my customized Enneagram coaching sessions for moms. I am sure that you're going to get so much out of the series. Each conversation I've had has been so rich and filled with goodness. Bethany De Keen is also pregnant as we release this episode with baby number three. Though unlike Joanna, our Enneagram eight, she's not ready to give birth any day. Bethany has two beautiful little girls and is happily married to an Enneagram 3. And if you are a local Kansas City friend, you might want to check out their physical therapy practice in Shawnee Mission, Kansas. It's called Freedom Physical Therapy and Training Center. Bethany is going to share her typing or again, as is the case, her Ms. Typing journey. She's also going to let us in on her biggest motherhood struggle and the soul care rhythm that helps her feel like she is winning in life. We also end up diving deep into the struggle for a nine when it comes to discipline and training her kiddos. She also gives us a peek into her daily schedule. It was incredibly insightful, but you won't want to miss this part of the conversation. By the way, are you someone who feels overwhelmed by your personality weaknesses? Well, don't worry, because when you understand your motherhood style, you can go from surviving to thriving. That's why I've written and created the Enneagram for Mom's ebook, which is here to help you cut through the overwhelm of your personality so you can overcome your weaknesses and connect with those you love. I've created a one-of-a-kind ebook with an overview on each type. And in addition to the beautiful layout, I've mapped out mom challenges, questions, and truth statements that have led each of my clients to freedom. You are the mom for the job, and I want to help you live like it. Get your copy on the Simply Wholehearted website or at the link in the show notes. Hi, my name is Amy Wicks, and I love to talk about the gospel message your heart was created to hear. I'm a Christian Enneagram coach for moms who loves to share resources which help you be confident that you are the best mom for your kids. I'm a mountain mama who somehow ended up on a golden sack in the Midwest. I was overwhelmed by motherhood, and I struggled to understand my true motivation. But the Lord didn't let me stay there. He helped me turn those challenging moments of motherhood into a wholehearted decision to get intentional with my faith, my marriage, and my kids. I share a broken-hearted perspective with story. But with wholehearted purpose and plans, you can live a life full of courage and abundance. Think of this podcast as your on-the-go mom pal and friend who can't help but talk about Jesus and the Enneagram. So get to that pile of laundry, or hit the treadmill, or load up the kids in the car for that grocery run. Get ready to be encouraged and challenged while you listen. This is the Simply Wholehearted Podcast. Bethany, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I have introduced you a little bit to my friends. So we get to dive right into the conversation because I want to hear now the recap because I've gotten to walk it out a little bit with you. What is your story about discovering your dominant Ennegram type?

SPEAKER_01 5:58

I would say that probably about a year ago now, the Enneagram kind of became really popular within a lot of my friend groups. And so they were constantly talking about I had not done any research or anything on my own, but they were constantly talking about it. And people were kind of typing me on, you know, you're a two, you're a three, you're a six, you're a nine. My mom's still convinced I'm an eight.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

So that's hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

I was always intrigued by it, but even when they would explain the numbers to me and the types to me, I was always kind of like, Oh, I just don't really know if I fit into a box. I don't know if like I could see aspects of a lot of different numbers. And I think when I came to your Bible study and you started talking about, you said that's really common for a nine. I was like, Oh, okay, well, that would make sense then. Right, right. Yeah. So yeah, there's still a few things with the nine that I maybe am just blind to that's my own personality that, or maybe uh it's just not the things I struggle with in a nine personality type.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

So yeah. That's right. Well, I know we've had a ton of fun with you sitting on our living room couch and talking about it with the group of other moms, and you know, a few of them throwing the guesses out there, really in our group of 20, 30 women, there has been quite an evolution of I thought it was this type and then this. And that's the fun of discovery, at least from my point of view as a seven. It's fun to explore and figure it out, but it can be frustrating as well. And I remember one time you left with a look of going, I just I don't know. I'm done, I'm not gonna be able to figure this out.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

What was maybe one of the things that stood out to you the most about the nine that you go, that is maybe what I would define as my aha moment.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Yeah, so there's a few of them. Um, I mean, I related a lot with the nine, uh, a lot in a lot of different ways. I think the thing that I kept going back and forth with is am I a nine or am I a three? Because the assertiveness was what I struggled with because growing up I was extremely assertive, extremely like go-getter. I would say I'm maybe backed off that a little bit as I've gotten older. Um but I think the moment that I realized the is it the lines of growth and uh stress. Yes. Growth and stress where I saw, okay, when I'm growing, I resemble those aspects of a three. When I'm stressed, I can also resemble the different aspects of a six. And that is when I was like, oh, that makes so much more sense of why I can see a six in me at times and a three in me at times, but I'm still that core nine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Yeah, that's good. I'm curious, remind me. Donnie leads as a type three, is that right? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

So you can very much feed off of him in that way.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Sure. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

And how about the people in your home? Were they more assertive, dutiful, or withdrawn?

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Like in my um family growing up.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

So very assertive. My dad's an eight. Okay. My sister, I believe, is a two. Um, my oldest brother is an eight or a seven, I believe. I don't know what they would say. And then I know that my brother right above me is a one. I'm convinced that my mom is a one, but she's also been said that she was a nine. But I think all of us as our family members, we all would disagree with that.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Yeah, I hear you. Well, you were then surrounded as a withdrawn type, you're surrounded by dutiful and assertive. So you either morph or die, it sounds like. You do. I have a podcast just a little bit, a couple weeks from what this one is airing that helps explain using the stances in figuring out your kid's dominant type. Now, you know, we talked about this in my group, but you're not supposed to type your kids, but you can use the idea of stances, which is the communication style, and get a better understanding of where your kids are coming from. And all of that to say this is a perfect example. You have a withdrawn kid and a home full of dutiful and assertive types. The withdrawn kid either gets left behind or they make a way for themselves, which can come across as being more assertive. Because at the same time, nines are painted as totally serene, always compliant, very peaceful. But I personally grew up with a nine and I am married to a nine, and I know there is plenty of stubbornness in them. And your mom would go, Yeah, that's my girl. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Growing up, my mom was convinced that I was like my dad and that I would not anyone else would probably type me as an eight, but she said that I was very stubborn. If she said it was black, I said it was green, sort of thing. But if there's any other authority, I wouldn't be that way. But yeah. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

But with mom, you had to hold your own. I love it. I think that's so great. It's so insightful, especially not only for us if we are learning how to love a nine or if we are a nine, but also looking at our kids and thinking through those dynamics and how we can create a healthy environment for them, especially if our kids are a different type than we are, or even in particular, a different stance than us, which is, I think, one of the most valuable elements of the Enneagram when it comes to kids. I'm curious, we talked a little bit about your family of origin. So let's switch about, all right, now you've got two beautiful girls and you've got another baby on the way. So share with me what might stress you out most about your motherhood role. Because you've had a few years and they're wonderful girls, but I know it isn't easy.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

I was thinking about this question because you wrote it out, and I would say, and it might be a very nine answer, but I think a lot of people could relate to it. I think disciplining just because it can stress you out to when you feel like you're working so hard on, you know, fixing a certain issue that the child's struggling with. And then if you don't feel like you're getting anywhere, it's just very frustrating or stressful, and then you start to doubt, am I doing this wrong, or is it even worth it, or am I holding them to a standard that is too high for them, like at this age, or you know, I think you start to question yourself. At least that's what I do.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

So yeah. I think in particular, again, I have a sister who leads as a nine, and my husband leads as a nine. That would be maybe a general pain point for most parents, right? It takes tenacity, persistence, and the nine, their strong suit and their superpower has nothing to do with tenacity and persistence. Stubbornness, yes. But my kids as assertive types, they know they can wear my husband down and they can wear him down pretty quickly because ultimately in him, he is he is looking to create a peaceful environment. He wants harmony, he desires unity. The disruption of the arguing and the persistence from my kids, it exhausts him. So it is hard to stick to your guns and to continue the ongoing training and discipling and not just let it go and slide because gosh, man, you're tired, you're done.

unknown 13:51

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

I found that a lot more with my secondborn than my firstborn. She, you know, maybe it's just a firstborn thing trying to please, or maybe I had more energy. Who knows? All sorts of reasons. Yeah. My secondborn has definitely had my number a few different times for sure.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Yeah, those secondborns, they definitely give you a run for your money. I at least in my house. I mean, they all have for different reasons, but I'm in the middle of going, oof, this one's tough. Yeah. Well, I would love to get a sneak peek, sort of the a day in the life in it for an Enneagram 9 mom. So what would that look like? Some of your thoughts or responsibilities that are, you know, continually going around.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

That's a hard one for me too, because I'm not very introspective and I wish I was more introspective. Um, but sometimes I just feel like I do things just to do them. And I don't want it to sound like I don't think through uh my actions, but I don't always put thought about the reason or the motive behind things, you know? Yeah. Okay. But I would say just for a day with me, like day to day, we get I'm very routine oriented. So I I can find, and I know this is something that you said I could struggle with uh being a nine and whatnot, is that I get very routine and almost on autopilot a lot to where I just have wake up, we have this for breakfast, we have this for lunch, then we go to the store and do this on Tuesday, and then we do the, you know, it's just it's very routine oriented, and I'm not maybe the most creative with teaching the girls. And I told I told my husband this I would be the worst homeschool teacher ever because they would not end up learning a thing with me.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Oh, that's hilarious. I doubt it, but I get it.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

So I would say that our day-to-day is very mundane, probably. Um, I try to, you know, have meaningful conversations at every meal and whatnot, but I can definitely see how I can get on autopilot and just get tasks done or just do the routine and go through life. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Wow, that is so fascinating because you hear these generalizations and in my conversations with other type minions, that is very similar. There has to be something connected with one, the inertia. We talk a lot about what finally gets in motion, can stay in motion for a nine, and that's really important. The getting into motion is the hardest part usually, but then you can get it and you have the routine. But there's also that element of you have your set thing and your rhythm, but there's almost an ease in the rhythm, which is something that I admire because as a super assertive go-getter, do all the things, I can't get enough done in my day. I look at a nine friend and go, wow, it seems as if you've just floated through the day. And and I know you didn't get a lot done. But but there is an element of where you were okay, you know what works for you, your family, yourself. And again, I see this with my husband, so I'm speaking from that perspective as well, and even my sister, but there's that you know what's required of you, you're gonna get that done. And then you can also stop. That is a beautiful thing to watch of going, okay, I did it. Whereas I'll still be figuring out, okay, what else can I get done? I got a little bit more time here, and what can I squeeze in there? And it's just that what's driving me in that is the let's pack everything in and then stationable appetite for you know the experiences. But yeah, it is really cool how you think.

SPEAKER_01 17:45

Yeah, and that's my sister, and I don't know if that's her personality type or just her, but she definitely packs everything in in a day, and she will truck her four little boys everywhere, go to the store, get 20 errands done in a day, or I'm just like, I'm gonna wait till Donnie gets home and the girls are asleep, and then I'll run my errands, sort of thing. But uh that's also just because we have a routine, so I usually don't try to change it up that much.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Don't mess. I love it, it's so good. It's something I really, really admire, honestly. So we touched on this a little bit, so we're kind of going back to it. What does conflict with your kids look like? There's that element of the persistence in training, but your girls are starting to get old enough, they want to push back, talk back, do their own thing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

And this is something I've learned within Study About the Integrements. I probably used to over-explain when I would discipline them. And I would sit them down, and it would just be this long-winded giving every point of view, every scenario. And my three-year-old was like, Mom, like, I don't get it. I've been sitting down while you talk to me for five minutes now. Like, let's move on.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

I had that aha moment, and I was like, Oh, yep, that's something I definitely do. And so I've tried to be better and be a little bit more short and sweet, but I definitely when we discipline, we try to always communicate. Um, my husband and I both try to always communicate, okay, we're disciplining you because we love you. We don't want to discipline you just to discipline you, but we love you, we want you to be safe. So you need to listen to us when we tell you something, you know, and try to explain a little bit of the reason behind so they don't think that they're just getting in trouble for no reason. But giving our point of view is there's a reason and love behind the discipline.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

I love that. Do you find yourself either being quietly resentful that this behavior hasn't changed and you're remembering a lot of the misbehavior in the past?

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Yeah, definitely. The longer I see one of my kids struggle with the same issue, the harder it is. And then I almost, and this kind of goes back to my struggle with just parenting and stressing. Um, I almost feel like I want to give up because it's like, well, you know, it's just at this point, is it even worth it?

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Like they're not throwing up your hands.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

Yeah, I'm done.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Yeah, throwing in the towel.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Yeah. So I can definitely, or even I mean, at times if my husband's there, I'm like, I can't handle this issue anymore. I'm at my max. I need you to step in because what I'm trying to get done is not happening, and I have no more patience for it. I'm just gonna like lose it.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Well, I'm gonna put you on the spot here, but do you find that is the case that you get to that point where you explode and it's it's shocking off?

unknown 20:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Yeah. And some people knowing me outside of parenthood might be surprised with that. But yeah, I can definitely go from zero to a hundred very quick.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

And I don't think it's as quick as you think. What has been happening is the slow boil, and then all of a sudden the heat is turned on, yeah, and you're remembering all the past failures, if you will, or lack of change, and then it's so overwhelming, you can't help but burst out in frustration, is really, I think, at the root of it. Yeah, yeah. You're this one of the sweetest, just peaceful and serene. You really carry the essence of a nine well. And so it is to call you on that for people who don't know. Bethany is not an angry person. So I sure hope not, but you know, no, but I'm pretty confident most of us moms are raising our hands to that point in time, there is that tripwire that causes the explosion. And we all get to that point. We're all capable of it, and our kids know they they know how to hit it just right. And all of us for different reasons, but I think we really articulated and highlighted why for you it gets that point. Yeah. It's really helpful too when we can understand it as a nine or if we are living with a nine, why it is and why those outbursts are going to happen. And so it sounds like you have a strategy in place. Are you able to implement that well? Is that something newer that you're doing? I'm going, uh Donnie, it's time for you to take over.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

No, Donnie's and Donnie's very intuitive to that too. So he knows. Oh, so good. So good. Yeah, he's really good about it. So he knows. I mean, we have a blue chair that they sit in every time. So if we're gonna discipline, they have to go to the blue chair. We take a minute to cool off before we go over there and discipline them. So I think that's been nice helpful, helpful for us. However, doesn't mean that I can't yell at them to go over to the blue chair and lose my oh yeah, totally. Yeah, but usually that in itself helps me cool off so I can come to them with love when we discipline too. And it's not just out of that anger burst.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

Yep, the frustration that is about to bubble over. You guys are wise. I love it. A great parenting tip for everybody. Well, I have three what I like to call rapid fire questions when you know, just to kind of get some quick ideas from your perspective. What would you summon up to flourish as a type nine?

SPEAKER_01 23:33

To flourish, I have noticed, and this kind of goes maybe with as I was. Looking back at like the subtype that I have. I think I flourish.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Um, let me just sure I'm gonna say this right, the subtype that I am. Um I love it that you're throwing in the subtype. This is awesome. That was one of my favorite lessons. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

But um, I believe that the subtype that I am and when I'm flourishing is participation. And when I find myself starting to get unhealthy, I get into the self-preservation. Gotcha. So when I'm healthy and when I feel like I'm flourishing and I'm with people and I'm in a group and I feel comfortable, then I'm way more assertive. I'm way more confident in my own opinions and things like that. But when I start to self-doubt and all that, then it's when I pull away and I start to yeah, just question if my input is valued or even wanted, or if I'm just there because I'm a plus one of some, you know what I mean? Like you get all those like self-doubts going. And so I think a lot of that has to do with my confidence in the Lord in my seasons, you know, and um if I feel like I'm actually living out my purpose that he's called me to, and if I feel confident in my purpose, then I'm more confident in any setting that I'm in. But if for some reason I feel like I'm a little bit out of tune, or if I'm just going through the motions and just on autopilot, then I'm not going to be able to be confident in myself that way or confident in the Lord that way.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

Yeah. Wow, that's beautiful. Someone needs to write that down. That's good. Seriously, really good. Okay, so what soul care routine then has helped you thrive and feel like you're flourishing?

SPEAKER_01 25:30

The soul care routine is definitely journaling for me because I'm not very introspective. So when I take that time to really journal my prayers and to journal my wants and my needs and my thoughts without worrying about any other judgment, then that's where I become closer with the Lord, real with the Lord, and I think just more confident and clear in my direction that I want to go in life.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Oh, yeah. So valuable. That's really good. Okay, so you might have a few, but what is a spiritual growth book that has impacted you and that you think is perfect for a fellow type nine?

SPEAKER_01 26:14

This question's interesting because I wouldn't say I've read a ton of books since I've discovered that I'm a nine. So I've never, yeah, so I've never looked at any of my like devotion books or anything through that perspective. So it's a really interesting question. Yeah. But I know for me one of the books that I love the most was actually called Soul Cravings. And it breaks down um That's awesome. It just kind of breaks down um your vision for your life, your intimacy within relationships that you have in your relationship with the Lord. Kind of has three sections to the book, which is really cool. And um, I read it many years ago, but I I've always referred back to it for little tidbits.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

So wow, I'm gonna have to look that up. I have not heard that one. It sounds great, it sounds perfect for a type 9 for sure, to kind of just force those questions and force some of the introspection. That's really, really good. Okay, last thing. What would be a tip that you would give a fellow Enneagram mom nine or a word of encouragement that you have to offer?

SPEAKER_01 27:23

I think a tip that I've learned and something that I'm trying to teach myself is to get a little bit out of that autopilot, to get out of your comfort zone a little bit because that's where growth happens. And if you just stay on that autopilot, then you won't grow. You're just gonna go through the motions. And I think that's where you can lose yourself and lose your identity, and then feel like you don't have value because you don't see your own value. So I would say would be to get out of that autopilot, mix things up every now and then, go hang out with some threes that are gonna make you a sort of or some sevens that are gonna make you do some crazy things.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Force you in their living room to answer questions that go deep. I love it. That to me, drop the mic a moment. Couldn't ask for anything better. Bethany, thank you. Thank you for truly honoring me, honoring us with your presence, your valuable insight, and your perspective. It's it will empower someone today and encourage someone today. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

Oh well, thank you. Thank you for having me, and thank you for thinking of me.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

I am guessing that there was more than one takeaway from this conversation, whether you live with an Enneagram 9 or you lead as an Enneagram 9. I'm so grateful Bethany was willing to share so honestly with you and me. The Enneagram Nines in my life show me how to savor and simplify. They constantly challenge my need for speed and change in all the best ways, of course. And maybe as you listened, you were wishing that you could join our moms group. I know in 2020, meeting and gathering with other moms has been really challenging. And while I work on something special with you in mind, I've created an ebook from the perspective of motherhood as it relates to the Enneagram. I've packed it full of helpful information to not only understand your core fears and weaknesses, but also how each type is uniquely gifted for motherhood. Plus, I've shared specific challenges, reflection questions, and truth statements that I use to lead my clients to more freedom in their life. You can read it on your phone or print it out and refer to it as we go through this special podcast series this month of October. I want you to know that you are the mom for the job and I want to champion you to love like it. So until next time, continue to pursue perspective, purpose, and plans for a simply and wholehearted life.